Serving sustainably
There are lots of people out there serving deeply, from the heart. Yet many of them are burning out. How might people avoid it?
One of the things I’ve noticed talking to people in service is that they get lots of good energy from it, until they don’t. There seems to come a point for many where the selfless serving gives way to an unsustainable level of self-sacrifice - where the demands of helping someone outstrips the individual’s abilities or energies to do it. At that point, people fall over.
In 2022, the number of nurses leaving their jobs reached record highs. In England, at least 15,000 doctors left the NHS between September 2022 and September 2023. The police workforce leaver rate reached 9.6% in 2022/23, the highest level since at least 2007/08. There are many structural issues behind all this, but one pervasive contributing factor will be that service roles are emotionally demanding. People join the police, health service and teaching partly out of a motivations to “make the world a better place”. Many feel driven to do this even in the face of structural and economic issues, often to the point of burnout and quitting.
I’m really interested in this boundary. After all, service is about giving. But to do that sustainably, there has to be a point where giving ends and “taking” back energy begins. But where is that point? Where does one draw the line when serving others? And who draws it?
Why service burnout happens
Let’s explore some of the different conditions that bring about burnout in service roles.
Over-identification with the role: Intrinsically motivated service providers often deeply empathize with those they serve, leading to emotional exhaustion and “empathy overload”. Their desire to help can blur the boundary between their identity and their role, making it difficult to separate personal worth from outcomes. For example, the nurse who feels personally responsible for every patient’s recovery.
Over-developed sense of obligation: People in service can feel it’s their duty to serve others, equating their self worth with their ability to “save” others and from validation they get doing that. Sometimes referred to as the “messiah complex” or “snow white syndrome”, it leads people to feel like they’re failing if they prioritise their own needs at all. An example would be the doctor who looks like a workaholic, working endless hours, often putting patients before family, because the act of service provides them with critical validation they don’t get elsewhere in life.
Chronic emotional labour: Service (done well) requires emotional presence, even when the provider feels depleted. Constantly managing emotions (staying positive, empathetic) can drain mental and physical resources. For example, the customer service representative who must always remain calm and cheerful under pressure.
Exploitation of altruistic instincts: Organizations often rely on the intrinsic motivation of workers to fill gaps caused by poor planning or understaffing. It’s not always intentional. This creates a system where service workers feel compelled to overextend themselves. A good example would be the teacher working unpaid overtime due to their commitment to students, and because others around them are doing the same.
Lack of reciprocity in unbalanced relationships: I said above that service (done well) doesn’t expect payback, but I recognised that without boundaries, that approach brings risk. In many service roles, gratitude or acknowledgment from those being served can be inconsistent or not forthcoming at all. This lack of appreciation can lead to feelings of not being valued, which damages energy. For example, the social worker trying to help a family that resents them.
Compassion fatigue: Service roles often expose individuals to pain, trauma, and repeated suffering. Over time, without adequate boundaries, this can diminish the individual’s ability to empathize or feel joy. They can end up depressed, or developing a “thick skin” and gallows humour to cope - essentially shielding themselves emotionally. An example would be the therapist working unsupported with a client that’s been in a repeat cycle of crisis for years.
All of these conditions can, individually or in combination, contribute to someone in service becoming burnt out. And if the service provider is burnt out, then the whole service relationship fails. So it’s something one wants to avoid.
Protecting oneself from burnout in service roles
Based on conversations and reading, there are a few different, practical techniques people in service can apply to ward off these risks. Everyone will draw a different line, but everyone needs a line. Selfless service is a noble idea, but it only works if it’s sustainable.
(Note: I’m not denying that a whole range of systematic issues plague the services and systems people do their serving in. In fact I write a lot about those issues elsewhere. The neoliberal orthodox would have us all believe we’re each responsible for our own failings; that if we only practiced some light meditation and yoga, all would be well. In writing this article I’m not ignoring how system failure contributes to burnout. It’s just that that is a whole other article.)
Understand your pattern. Burnout happens when people run over-capacity for too long. The engine burns out and just completely seizes up. So the key is to know when capacity is about to be reached and to see the pattern of behaviour that led to it. This can be a bit of an art, because not everyone is aware of what drives their behaviour. Also it doesn’t help that people who serve well, are often encouraged to do even more of it! The world gives selfless servers lots of great feedback (“She’s a saint!”, “what would we do without him." etc etc) which leads to more serving and less self-care, accelerating the burnout. So some good advice I read was to ask oneself: “in what ways do I feel responsible for others’ happiness or well-being, and how has this impacted my life?”
Strengthen your boundaries. Service cannot be boundless. It is an energy like anything else, so is finite. The challenge is that the person being served can become reliant on your work, to the point where it feels vampiric. Here are three types of boundaries that can help:
Time - setting clear working hours and sticking to them, even if demands spill over. Don’t let anyone dictate your availability.
Scope - be clear what you’re committing yourself to and write down what you aren’t committing to. Share that. Don’t let that be defined by osmosis or by the person you’re serving.
Emotional - recognise that you can care deeply without taking personal responsibility for every outcome. Make that clear to who you’re working with. If you have a tendency to over-identify, mention it - honour it.
Saying no - so obvious yeah? So obvious, so why so hard? Learning to decline additional responsibilities that exceed your capacity is central to avoiding burnout. To be able to internally say: “I urgently care about you/this, but I need to take care of myself to continue supporting you / this tomorrow.” People who’re good at boundary management recommend using “scripts” so that one can say no compassionately. For example: “I’d love to help, but my current workload means I can’t give this the attention it deserves.”
Balance altruism with self-preservation. People who go into service roles are givers by nature. They tend to not be so good at “taking” the care they need.
I’ve often heard people refer to the “Oxygen Mask” principle, from every airline safety video ever - that you can’t help others effectively if you’ve not first taken care of yourself. Know what self-care means to you - meditation, glass of wine, scoop of ice cream, bad movie - whatever. Ask yourself: “what would it look like to serve myself with the same compassion and commitment I offer others?” See where that leads you.
Try to not define yourself by your service identity. Instead cultivate other roles where you’re independent, where others aren’t dependent on you or even where others are serving you. Ask yourself: “who am I beyond what I do for others?” Personally, I’ve always found a spa day to be particularly rewarding way to achieve both points A and B. Guilty pleasures maybe, but a good therapist once told me “sometimes the best clue that you’re really challenging perfectionism is that first tinge of guilt.” Try and find your guilty pleasure.
Question your motivation. Ask yourself why you’re serving to the extent you are. If it’s out of genuine free choice, then that’s all good and healthy. But if it’s not then it’s worth digging deeper:
Do you feel compelled to do it? This can be an indication of some core beliefs and values that are no longer helping you. Gently smoke them out and challenge them. I spoke to one individual who was able to very clearly connect his drive to serve back to traumatic childhood experiences. I felt he’d worked out that “it wasn’t his job to fix everything”, but I imagine it needed regular repetition. I’ve hear others describe a conscious shift from “saviour” to “supporter” - using the mantra “I’m here to guide, not to fix”, or “I’m not here to save anyone. I’m here to help them discover their own strength.”
Are you literally compelled to do it? This is an indication that you’re in a structurally negative situation, where your altruistic serving instincts have been hijacked for another purpose. Having autonomy and agency is an important part of the service equation. If yours has been removed, that’s likely a key factor in any burnout pattern.
Release the guilt. People who serve often feel like they can’t give enough or get to enough people. The problem always feels bigger than one’s energies. The poor overworked and under appreciated climate scientists at COP events come to mind. It’s so important to drop that guilt.
One way is internal. To say: “I forgive myself for not being able to fix everything. I did what I could. I’m enough as I am.”
Another way is external. Aka The Great Vent. It pays to be in a community with others who serve in the same way you do - where you can share experiences with colleagues who understand the challenges and can empathise. These people can often reciprocate and advise in ways that sustain ones energy, rather than deplete it.
The world needs people who serve, because service is a powerful and noble force in the world. But the world also needs those people to do it sustainably. Burnout is common and unpleasant, but can be avoided through honesty, self-awareness, connection and self-management.